I met Jesus at the bar

This is the story of how I met Jesus at the bar. Without a doubt, that man was Jesus. He looked exactly like the picture of the “Last Supper”. Okay, I don’t go to bars often but my friends dragged me along, and since it’s Saturday night, I might as well go as oppose to surf on the Internet. So we went to the bar and there is a big scary bouncer standing at the door with some funny ear rings. He was a white guy, so he wasn’t tough looking. So we arrive at the time when it’s pack so there were people grooving on the dance floor.

There were the usual guys standing on the side line watching all the pretty chicks pelvic thrusting and grinding each other. I got my coat checked, went to the dance floor with my friends. They cheered, I started break dancing, busting a few cool moves here and there.

So then this chick came up to me. She was pretty hot looking, one of the best looking in the bar at the time. Nice body, pretty face, dressed well — something straight out of a fashion catalog.

So I was break dancing and she came up to me, challenging me to … a dance battle. I thought, “whoa, she knows how to break dance?” but she ends up doing flips and somersaults. She was very flexible – because she probably doesn’t have a spine. She does this awkward thing were she literally bends in half. Freaky shit. I thought she was going to fracture her vertebrates.

So we have the room’s attention by now, everyone watching the “dance battle” between me and the Emo girl. I did some break dancing (top rock, foot work, wind mill, turtle and stuff) and taunting her. I stick out my tongue at her for good measures. The crowd cheered and then she started dancing.

So she does this slow motion frontal somersault towards me and ended up knocking my glasses off with her foot! I was like, what the hell was that?! So being the gentleman, I extended my hand out and hold her foot. So she does a frontal somersault again, my hand takes one of her foot and she landed on the floor in a split position. I promptly stepped forward and thrust my pelvis in front of her face and carcass her hair. Hooray for stimulated oral sex on the dance floor with everyone watching.

Someone went “OOH!” in the crowd. Then she went on top of a high platform and started dancing erotically, shaking her butt and breasts and the whole package. Me, of course, went up and started grinding her from behind.

She was drunk and no, I didn’t take advantage of her off the dance floor. Well, I did grab her boobs … I was dancing with other women and she vanished into the night without a trace. (she didn’t bring any friends along, interestingly enough. Plus, she was drunk.)

Afterwards there was this guy that looked like Jesus dancing on the floor. He didn’t bring any friends with him, but that’s okay. Nor did he tried to dance with any chicks. That’s okay, too. He just wanted to have fun, so he did the chicken dance all through the night. My buddies and I cheered him on by going “Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!” I think he liked that.

The bar scene is pretty funny, because you see guys who aren’t socially intelligent dressing like car sales men, or the usual t-shirts and jeans. Nobody dressed really cool, except one guy who had a leather jacket on and ear rings. And the front door bouncer looked kinda fashionable.

Of course, nothing is better then an old fashion bar fight : someone got thrown out through the window and into the side walk. There is a big hole in the window, and there was a scrawny teenager guy who swept it up. For a second I thought he was a homeless man for hire before I took a careful look at him: another long hair teenager in some town.

The bar pick up scene wasn’t that great, most of the people who go there were with their boyfriends and girlfriends, except for the odd few. Then there was this man who dressed up in a three piece suit – shit, he looked like a car sales man – and went into the bar. He tried picking up this semi-attractive anorexic chick who no boobs, but to no avail. He was just too supplicating.

Then there was a really snobby mediocre looking high school girl who pushed me and my friends because we’re dancing with her friends. I told my friends that we should find a really ugly guy and make him dance with her – oops, I said it loud enough for her to listen to, in which she promptly give me the “what the fuck” face. I asked Jesus if he would like to dance with the aforementioned snobby chick, but he declined. I think he was too shy – or healing the cripple.

Some other odd things going in the bar is a old woman in her 60s dancing with another girl in her early 20s – perhaps the grandma is dancing with her grand daughter? It wasn’t even “having fun dancing” but rather dirty erotic dancing with a lot of pelvic thrusting and grinding. Creepy.

Plus there was this underage looking girl – she was 14, I think – dancing. But she wouldn’t dance with anybody else. Booo. Maybe her dad was looking after her. I tried to hit her up but to no avail. Later I found out she didn’t speak English, but French.

Of course, nothing beats dancing with fat chicks. My friend and I, plus two really, really fat girls grinding together. It was like playing bumper car, because they kept knocking me to the side with their monstrous stomach.

As the bar went into closing, people started slow dancing with each other. My friend was slow dancing with a mediocre looking chick, so I cheered him on. He tried to get her number but to no avail. Pretty lame for guys who have no game.

So people were slow dancing, and imagine this – Jesus came to the dance floor! He wore a leather jacket that made him look really bad ass. He started doing the chicken dance again. It was kinda creepy because he was doing it behind my friend. Someone screamed “Yeah JESUS!”.

And that is my bar story. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even drink any alcohol!

It was a nice experience but I’m not going to bars again (perhaps once in a blue moon) because it’s a human waste cesspool. No exaggeration, of course. Why? Because I don’t want to see another Dancing Jesus again.

I’ll end this post with a video: